At some point every parent comes up with a laundry list of things that we just do not want to hear, see or have to deal with. Unfortunately because we are parents we do not usually get to decide if we ultimately can adhere to that laundry list.
So today in an effort to promote parenting solidarity here are 10 things you do not want to hear, but because you are a parent more than likely will.
You do not want to have your child’s teacher ask if they can have a word alone with you.
Sure your child’s teacher could just be trying to give you good news, but if they try to instigate such a conversation then they really NEED to have a sign in their hands that says “I have good news.” Do they have such signs, because they really need to have these type of signs. . .
You do not want to hear excessive coughing from your child’s room after bedtime.
Because 1) Sick children make us sad, 2) There is a high likelihood that the coughing will cause barfing, and 3) Sick kids and barfing are not among a parent’s favorite things.
You do not want to hear silence.
When you have young children, silence is NOT golden. If there is silence, something is going down. Every single time. You may think to yourself, “Perhaps they are quietly reading to themselves, I used to do that before becoming a parent.” But then you remember that they do not yet know how to read. It is more likely that they are in involved in an activity with crayons and walls, or bath toys and the toilet. Needless to say, your enjoyment of that moment of silence is going to come at a cost.
You do not want to hear knocking outside the bathroom door 2 seconds after you close it.
At some point we all get to the point where we realize that this is inappropriate. You don’t have the boss’s secretary knocking on the restroom stall door asking you when you will have the Logan Report ready. But, kids? Nahhh, they just figure that they have you pinned down enough to guarantee your ear.
Any time poop is mentioned after the fact.
Acceptable: I need to go poop, Mom! (This coupon is valid up until age 5, after that, the card is revoked.)
Unacceptable: Just about anything else, especially when the “after the fact” is 3 minutes AFTER the toddler was taken to the potty.
Also, I am not exactly sure why, but pooping in the tub is like a sibling rite of passage. At some point, a sibling bailing out of the tub like a lifeguard on Caddyshack will be a funny story they can tell to prospective suitors dating their little sister.
But for the parent cleaning up the mess, that jovial time isn’t now.
You do not want to hear your child complain about the food they are eating.
For example, “Mom what is this (teeny, tiny almost invisible) little white thing in my food?”
“Nothing honey.” (It was an onion you tried to sneak in to flavor your food. Obviously unsuccessfully.)
“But mom it’s gross!”
And going for the tried and true official food stance of all parents you respond with, “I bet starving kids in Africa would eat it.”
You do not want to hear your child’s voice at 1 o’clock in the morning.
Actually once you have put them in bed you do not want to hear their voice AT ALL until the following morning. Although children have a great way of ruining that plan don’t they?
You do not want to hear your child ask if this is how things were “Back in the old days when you were a kid. . .”
Seriously? Sigh. . . If we are in the car I retaliate by flipping to an “oldies” station on the radio, rolling down the windows, and belting out whatever tune is on. Last time it was MC Hammer at the In-And-Out drive thru. I warned them that the next time it would be at the school drive line. Maybe then I will jump out of the car and tear it up and demonstrate a proper typewriter and spin. . .Break it DOWN!
You do not want to hear a recap of the latest YouTube video your child just watched that is actually longer than the video itself.
I may be smiling and nodding as I listen to my child, but inside I am dying just a little as they share a 10 minute recitation of the insights “Dan” from The Diamond Minecart just shared about Minecraft.
This is probably how my parents felt when I would recount episodes of Punky Brewster to them. Karma does have a way of wreaking sweet revenge doesn’t it?
You do not want to hear the words, “I’m going to be sick” while driving in a car with your children.
Good luck friends and stay strong.
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