Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear As A Parent

In Motherhood, Parentingby Jen32 Comments

At some point every parent comes up with a laundry list of things that we just do not want to hear, see or have to deal with. Unfortunately because we are parents we do not usually get to decide if we ultimately can adhere to that laundry list.

So today in an effort to promote parenting solidarity here are 10 things you do not want to hear, but because you are a parent more than likely will.

Here Are Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear As A Parent.

You do not want to have your child’s teacher ask if they can have a word alone with you.

Like ever.

Sure your child’s teacher could just be trying to give you good news, but if they try to instigate such a conversation then they really NEED to have a sign in their hands that says “I have good news.” Do they have such signs, because they really need to have these type of signs. . .

You do not want to hear excessive coughing from your child’s room after bedtime.

Because 1) Sick children make us sad, 2) There is a high likelihood that the coughing will cause barfing, and 3) Sick kids and barfing are not among a parent’s favorite things.

You do not want to hear silence.

When you have young children, silence is NOT golden. If there is silence, something is going down. Every single time. You may think to yourself, “Perhaps they are quietly reading to themselves, I used to do that before becoming a parent.” But then you remember that they do not yet know how to read. It is more likely that they are in involved in an activity with crayons and walls, or bath toys and the toilet. Needless to say, your enjoyment of that moment of silence is going to come at a cost.

You do not want to hear knocking outside the bathroom door 2 seconds after you close it.

At some point we all get to the point where we realize that this is inappropriate. You don’t have the boss’s secretary knocking on the restroom stall door asking you when you will have the Logan Report ready. But, kids? Nahhh, they just figure that they have you pinned down enough to guarantee your ear.

Any time poop is mentioned after the fact.

Acceptable: I need to go poop, Mom! (This coupon is valid up until age 5, after that, the card is revoked.)

Unacceptable: Just about anything else, especially when the “after the fact” is 3 minutes AFTER the toddler was taken to the potty.

Also, I am not exactly sure why, but pooping in the tub is like a sibling rite of passage. At some point, a sibling bailing out of the tub like a lifeguard on Caddyshack will be a funny story they can tell to prospective suitors dating their little sister.

But for the parent cleaning up the mess, that jovial time isn’t now.

You do not want to hear your child complain about the food they are eating. 

For example, “Mom what is this (teeny, tiny almost invisible) little white thing in my food?”

“Nothing honey.” (It was an onion you tried to sneak in to flavor your food. Obviously unsuccessfully.)

“But mom it’s gross!”

And going for the tried and true official food stance of all parents you respond with, “I bet starving kids in Africa would eat it.”

You do not want to hear your child’s voice at 1 o’clock in the morning.

Actually once you have put them in bed you do not want to hear their voice AT ALL until the following morning.  Although children have a great way of ruining that plan don’t they?

You do not want to hear your child ask if this is how things were “Back in the old days when you were a kid. . .”

Seriously? Sigh. . . If we are in the car I retaliate by flipping to an “oldies” station on the radio, rolling down the windows, and belting out whatever tune is on. Last time it was MC Hammer at the In-And-Out drive thru. I warned them that the next time it would be at the school drive line. Maybe then I will jump out of the car and tear it up and demonstrate a proper typewriter and spin. . .Break it DOWN!

You do not want to hear a recap of the latest YouTube video your child just watched that is actually longer than the video itself.

I may be smiling and nodding as I listen to my child, but inside I am dying just a little as they share a 10 minute recitation of the insights “Dan” from The Diamond Minecart just shared about Minecraft.

This is probably how my parents felt when I would recount episodes of Punky Brewster to them. Karma does have a way of wreaking sweet revenge doesn’t it?

You do not want to hear the words, “I’m going to be sick” while driving in a car with your children.

"

Good luck friends and stay strong.

Here Are Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear As A Parent.

Love,

Jen

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Comments

  1. Oh how fun. Well it is now because the kids are grown and gone. I could relate to every. one. of. these.

    Love the video. That was one of my favorite videos back in the day.

    Have a fabulous day my friend. ☺
    Comedy Plus recently posted…Hubbies SurgeryMy Profile

  2. Regarding the first one, I hate coughing SO MUCH! Not because it leads to barfing, because that hasn’t happened.. yet.. but because it never goes away!
    That said, to keep with the theme of barfing, “Mama, my stomach feels funny” scares me. Even when it’s just that they have to poop!
    That Caddyshack Baby Ruth video is comic genius. I love the Jaws music!
    Tamara recently posted…Bacon & Cheddar Wrapped Apple Slices.My Profile

    1. Author

      It really feels that way doesn’t it? I hate coughing. With a passion. I have an asthmatic in our family and one cough late at night sets my heart racing that it is all going to end in barfing!

      Isn’t that Caddy Shack video the best! I watched it a few dozen times again today. It never gets old.
      Jen recently posted…Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear As A ParentMy Profile

  3. OMG so funny! All of them! Kids at 1am? Go to daddy! Why are you coughing in the car, are you going to puke? all of these suck equally. I love this!

  4. I agree with every one of these, Jen! The night coughing is like nails on the chalkboard for me. My son has coughed for 6 months straight and I wake up with every single one. He’s finally kicked it though :).
    I’m so bummed that I missed your awesome blog staycation! I didn’t make it to a single session live because my mom was here all weekend. I’m hoping to go back through it all again soon. Thanks so much for providing that resource and all the work you ladies (and now Jen’s Guy too!) put into it. The next one I just need to mark my calendar completely out for. No visitors…
    Candace recently posted…Peanut Butter & Jelly Energy BitesMy Profile

    1. Author

      I hope things will even out this week for you. We missed you at the Staycation this last weekend, but I totally get having other things take precedence. There will be another one and I will look forward to having you join us then!
      Jen recently posted…Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear As A ParentMy Profile

  5. Hi Jen, I think you have pretty much covered it. The coughing after bedtime was a sound I dreaded, I would actually stand outside the bed room door and try to analyse the cough.

    Complaining about food is one that does get me, luckily mine have never been too fussy although my daughter has never liked mushrooms, they actually make her gag. Something that I tested by hiding some under cheese on a pizza and she gagged. Now she’s older she will eat them, but I don’t give her many. Like you said there are too many people in the world who don’t know where their next meal is coming from.

    xx
    Debbie recently posted…A Peep In To The Dragon CaveMy Profile

    1. Author

      Mushrooms do her in huh? My oldest cannot handle anything grape flavored. She throws up instantly. Ask me about the first time we found out that little problem. Fun times. Not!

      Oh my gosh how many times have I stood outside the door analyzing if the cough was bad, not to bad or where we were going with it that night! Glad I am not alone. It will provide some solidarity the next time I am there :)
      Jen recently posted…The Happy Now Blog Link- Up # 6My Profile

    1. Author

      Yes, you know I have been known to start spontaneously dancing or singing at the top of my lungs when fights, complaints, crying or whining erupts around here. It usually shocks the offender(s) into submission. Try it I say :)
      Jen recently posted…The Happy Now Blog Link- Up # 6My Profile

  6. The other day my daughter said they watched The Witches, based on the Roald Dahl book they read in class. I wanted to know if there was a newer version or it was the same one I saw as a kid. I asked and she got this really thoughtful look on her face and said, “I think it was made in the 1900s…” And I’m a dinosaur.
    Jenny @ Unremarkable Files recently posted…Happy Mother’s Day from Your 10-Month-OldMy Profile

    1. Author

      Hah! That right there in my world would be cause for dinner becoming toast for that child. Seriously there must be small punishments for such infractions.

      P.S. You are not a dinosaur. I have a toddler who has pretty firmly nailed that particular namesake all to herself :)
      Jen recently posted…The Happy Now Blog Link- Up # 6My Profile

  7. My daughter has been telling me the longest stories lately. She doesn’t even pause while I’m walking around the van to get in. I miss half the story because she doesn’t even notice that I can’t possibly be listening!!
    Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…Ten Eye Rolls This WeekMy Profile

  8. My son is King of asking random questions after we put him to bed, even put him to bed late. The latest question he shouted from his bed was…”Dad, what finger is your wedding ring on?” 9:00 (one-hour after his bedtime.) Ahhhh…kids.
    Caryn recently posted…Healthy Grilling TipsMy Profile

  9. Probably the 10 top one’s you do not want to hear as a mom! Well they probably have their top 10 too as teenagers!

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