A few months ago one of my children’s teachers alerted me to something that had happened at school. This child had been caught doing something extremely out of character. As we talked about it at home, I discovered that “trying to be perfect” had been the motivating element for triggering what had happened. And this child was completely heart broken by their choice. They would have paid any price if they could go back and re-do those few moments with a choice that was more inline with their true character. Together we talked, hugged, cried and decided how to make this wrong choice right. Then we talked about how overrated perfection really is, because it is through our mistakes that we grow stronger so that we know how to act next time.
At bedtime a few nights later this child told me that they just couldn’t forget or forgive themselves for their mistake and that the guilt and remorse was gnawing away at them. I leaned down very close and said, “I am going to tell you what my mother told me many years ago when I felt that same way.” I stopped and made sure they were focused on what I was going to say and then told them the secret for getting rid of those feelings, “Those types of feelings can only grow IF you feed them.”
Guilt will only grow IF we chose to feed it.
Self doubt and nagging fears of inadequacies will become our constant companions IF we allow it.
Bad feelings or hatred toward others will fester and poison us only IF we allow them to take root in our lives.
Many years ago the thoughtless and selfish actions of someone I cared deeply for caused actual physical suffering and pain in the life of another person for whom I also cared deeply. In the aftermath, I was so entirely consumed with the powerful emotion of hatred. A type of hatred that I had never experienced before this point and did not know how to deal with.
I wish I could say that it took only a matter of days before I was able to find my way out of that dark prison of hatred, but it took far longer than that. It took longer because I fed it. Far. Too. Long. Until finally with the help of God, I was able to stop feeding that hatred and instead replace it with a heart full of love that changed me; in a very literal way.
I would suppose that far too often we all can be guilty of feeding that which will harm us rather than that which seeks to build us up and I wonder why?
Why are we so often willing to throw damaging stones at ourselves and then draw those bad feelings around us like a warm blanket?
Because said no one ever, “Holding that grudge really helped me out in life!” Or holding myself back from trying something because we were scared of failure,”Was the best decision ever!”
That kind of thinking is silly and ultimately it all comes down to what we decide to feed.
William Ernest Henley said, “I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.”
Each and every day, through even the littlest of choices, we indeed have the opportunity to chose that which we will feed and decide who we will become.
My hope is, that you choose to feed yourself well.
Stay Happy! Stay Informed!
Love,
Jen
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Comments
I couldn’t agree with you more that it is only with the help of God that we can forgive ourselves and others. Humans just aren’t capable on our own strength no matter how hard we try because we are imperfect.
Katy recently posted…5 Thoughts I Have Brushing My Daughter’s Hair
We really are imperfect and so it always makes me laugh then when I try to be perfect. Who’s kidding who there right? Talk about unrealistic expectations! Thank you for your sweet comment.
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
Self-forgiveness can be one of the hardest kinds. But you’re right, it comes down to what we feed. I had a similar discussion with my son recently in regards to anger and behavior. It took a long time, but the outcome was pretty good.
Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…Saying I Love You
I am glad to hear that. No kid should carry those feelings around. No adult for that matter too. Self forgiveness is terribly hard, because sometimes we just can’t see the good in us, but carrying that kind of junk around is horrible!
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
Aw, guilt can truly be an awful thing to have to deal with it, but glad you were able to talk it through with your child, as it sounds like they needed to be able to deal head on with it in order to put in the past and truly let it go.
Janine Huldie recently posted…How Being Sick is Different for This Dad Versus This Mom
Thank you Janine. Luckily, I think that they have put it behind them. The worst part was that they felt they had let down people they loved and admired. That can really be hard to get over.
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
I too have walked in these very shoes. It took years to figure out how destructive this was. I’m ever so happy I finally realized what was causing me so much pain. I’m one happy gal now.
Have a fabulous day. āŗ
Comedy Plus recently posted…Wordless Wednesday
Isn’t it amazing how great you feel once you let that stuff go? Yep said no one ever, carrying guilt, anger and bad feelings around makes me feel so wonderful….
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
Beautiful post! I feel like I’m a lot better these days when it comes to guilt and the like, but this is still something everyone has to remember from time to time!
ShootingStarsMag recently posted…TLC Book Tour: Last in a Long Line of Rebels
For sure. Guilt can eat away at a person. Reminders to just let it go happen a lot around here :)
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
That’s my hope too. I haven’t had too much trouble over the years but certain people have angered me, and I have fed that fire. Over and over. I’d love to say I’m 100% over it, but maybe a good 85%. I can shake it off more than I ever could.
What a gorgeous post.
Tamara recently posted…When Hair Loss Happens and What to Do.
Oh that anger fire can be hard to quench. You are not alone there. I wonder if as we grow up and get older :) if it becomes easier to shake things off. I find that nowadays I can shake most things off pretty quickly. Whereas when I was younger it was much more difficult.
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
Yes! So true! And might I add that I LOVE this new blog design. It is brilliant. I am inspired.
April recently posted…The Fear of Sitting Down and Little Tricks for Bringing Happy Back
Thank you. Thank you! Glad to be a place of inspiration :)
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
Feeding negative thoughts is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. It’s so easy to forget that you are in charge of your thoughts and feelings, and that you don’t have to feed what’s negative.
Akaleistar recently posted…5 Easy DIY Valentine’s Day Projects
It really is easy. You are right no one person or thing can MAKE us feel bad. We are the sole owners of that particular emotion, by how much weight or import we give something.
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
I was just talking to my dad about something very similar to this… we were musing over the saying that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.. dont feed those negative thought beasts! – http://www.domesticgeekgirl.com
Gingi recently posted…Whole Wheat Country Biscuits and Gravy
Oh I like that! Because that is exactly what it is like and when you put it that way one must really wonder why in the heck we even think it’s a good idea?!
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
Right?! That quote has helped me so much in the past few years!
Gingi recently posted…Let There Be Light! Adventures In First Time Home Owning
It is a great one! Thanks for sharing it :)
Jen recently posted…Ten Rookie Parenting Mistakes To Avoid
Oh Jen, I love this! What wise words. I frequently feed the Negative Nelly and the Guilty Gertrude. It never makes me feel better and I need to remember that forgiveness happened at the cross – and choose to live in the joy and freedom that my love for Christ gives me.
I love you mom’s wise words – and how wonderful that you’ve passed that wisdom onto your own children.
Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).
Wishing you a lovely weekend.
xoxo
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom recently posted…10 Things Children Need to See Their Parents Doing
Thank you and very wise words my dear friend. Knowing what Christ did for us should indeed fill us with joy, because forgiveness and freedom is ours for the taking. We just have to accept it and let go of all the bad.
Thank you as always for your thoughtful and sweet comment.
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
This is incredibly powerful. I’ve been much more connected with mindfulness discussions and I think this is truly related. On the most part, many of us have the power to let our minds wander. What great advice you gave your kid (and your mom gave you) about how it’s our choice to let perfection define us…or to be little kinder.
Caryn recently posted…Wellness Work Series: 5 Tips for Staying Active at Work
Thank you Caryn. I am glad this resonated with you. Isn’t our mind indeed a wonderful and at times frightening thing? Our thoughts really do have so much power over our feelings and actions. Hugs my friend!
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
Well said Jen and I hope the child in question took your advice and stopped feeding the negative feelings. I have often wondered why we find it so easy to dwell on the negative, but can let positive things go too easily, with hardly a side ward glance? Probably because there is too much emphasis in the world to try to be ‘perfect’, so when negative tings happen (and they do) it affects us so much more.
xx
Debbie recently posted…Spring Flowers On Zakynthos
Isn’t it crazy how we work sometimes? I agree there really is way too much emphasis on perfection when really absolutely no one is perfect! Who even thinks that is possible??
Hugs back at you!
Jen recently posted…A Discussion On Letting Go And Choosing What To Feed
Such a great post. I believe I needed this reminder just as much as that child of yours did. Thanks for sharing.
I need a reminder too. All of the time. Sometimes I wonder just who is teaching whom in our house when it concerns my children. Ah parenting! Gotta love it :)
Jen recently posted…Ten Rookie Parenting Mistakes To Avoid
I tend to hold onto guilt sometimes. I’m working on letting go more. I really enjoyed reading this post.
Oh, and you asked me a question last week on where I bought the Five Nights At Freddy’s shirt for my daughter. It’s at Target for $9.
Amber recently posted…Happy Half Price Chocolate Day!
Thank you. I am glad this post touched you! And thanks for the head up, my 14 year old wants one! Ever since her beloved Markiplier showcased it last year she has penchant for anything Five Nights At Freddy’s.
Jen recently posted…Ten Rookie Parenting Mistakes To Avoid
It really does make a difference what thoughts we choose to feed and which ones we choose to starve. As someone who has trouble letting pretty much anything go, that’s a really important one!
Jenny @ Unremarkable Files recently posted…5 Common Sayings I Don’t Get
Thank you Jenny. I think it is a constant battle that will go on my entire life, so I don’t think you are alone. I have found it easier as I have gotten older to let a lot of things go and just not worry about them. I hope that trend continues.
Jen recently posted…Ten Rookie Parenting Mistakes To Avoid
This is such an important lesson…for everyone from young kids to grown adults. There have been far too many negative thoughts that I “fed” for far too long. Thanks for the reminder to just let it go!
Leslie recently posted…Iām Finally Back!
You are definitely not alone there! It is easy to feed that negative and not see the good in us or our situation. I am glad this piece touched you. Hugs my friend :)
Jen recently posted…Make Amazing Blog Post Feature Images