Top Ten Tip-Offs You Are A Mother

In Motherhood, Parenting by Jen44 Comments

A few weeks ago I was invited to guest blog by my friend Lysa and today on JENerally Informed in honor of Mother’s Day, I wanted to share an expanded version of the post I shared over there.

To all of my fellow Mothers out there, here are the Top Ten Tip-Offs You Are A Mother:

1. You carry around a bag that weighs as much as a small baby elephant.

h/t Unearthed Comics

2. You no longer run away from projectile vomit, but run towards it.

3. You know what it feels like to step on a LEGO or a Barbie while on a midnight run to check on sleeping children.

4. In case of emergency, there are enough Goldfish and other crackers stockpiled underneath the seats of your car to survive on overnight.

5. A thirty minute trip to the store alone feels like a small vacation or something worthy of a dance off.

6. You have tried to use your stern “mommy voice” on an adult just to see what happens.

7.  Showering for more than 15 minutes with the door closed feels like a trip to the spa.

8. Realizing that you have been sitting and watching Disney Junior alone for 30 minutes after the children have gone to bed.

9. You have a secret stash of chocolate or candy in the house that your children have no idea about.

10.  You are well versed in the science of analyzing poop that is not your own.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Stay Happy! Stay Informed!

Love,

Jen




Go ahead and share this post, you know you want to!

Comments

  1. These are spot on. You brought me back from an old retired lady to a mother. Yes you did. Thanks, but I’m still glad I don’t have to do this anymore.

    Have a fabulous day. :)
    Comedy Plus recently posted…Hollywood SquaresMy Profile

  2. Hi Jen, I’ve had to start sprinkling coffee grounds around my chocolate stash as I fear my daughter has developed a nose that can smell chocolate from a mile away….And just the memory of the pain from stepping on a Lego brick is enough to bring tears to my eyes!

    xx
    Debbie recently posted…Aspergers And Common SenseMy Profile

    1. That is a bummer! That reminds me of a story once where one of my children threw up in a store while they were with my brother and husband and then all 4 of the children with them threw up one right after another! They have never gone back to that specific store…..
      Jen recently posted…Top Ten Tip-Offs You Are A MotherMy Profile

  3. Hahahahaha! Every single one of these is so true! I never thought I’d care so much about bowel movements before becoming a parent. You analyze everything from color and consistency to frequency. Seriously, that’s the first question whenever my kids complain about an upset stomach!
    Leslie recently posted…NemesisMy Profile

  4. Big yes to 8, 9 and 10!
    What’s funny about the poop one is that I’m such a hypochondriac that if Des gets diarrhea like..once… I’ll be all, “What if it’s a food allergy?’ Even though for 364 days of the year, he doesn’t have diarrhea EVER!
    My secret stash of chocolate is on hold and my kids noticed! I guess it wasn’t so secret. My office is upstairs and it gets hot up here in the spring/summer and I don’t like melty chocolate at all!
    Lastly, and in the realm of TMI, I was having this great shower with my eyes closed recently and opened them to see Cassidy peeking at me. Before that sounds perverted, he was just opening the curtain to tell me he was going to work.
    Tamara recently posted…Our Summer Bucket Lists.My Profile

    1. Author

      Haha! I know right? It’s like we just have to discuss poop or mentally dissect our kids poop or we aren’t fulfilling our motherly duties or something! Ewww to the melty chocolate! I would find a new summer hiding spot because when they are home all day every day is when those Mom-only stashes are most needed! Did you scream when Cassidy did that? My husband knows better than to frighten me like that. Last time he did, I brought the curtain down on his head!
      Jen recently posted…Top Ten Tip-Offs You Are A MotherMy Profile

    1. Author

      I really had to work to get to expert poop analyzer status, because I remember the first time I had to do an anal temperature check on a baby. It was the grossest most scary experience of my life!!
      Jen recently posted…Top Ten Tip-Offs You Are A MotherMy Profile

  5. Oh how funny and true these are, my friend!! I love #2. Who would have ever thought how quickly I could move to get a trash can under one of my puking kids. Sometimes it’s just a blanket, towel or any other cloth close by. What a glamorous life us mommies lead! Have a wonderful Mother’s Day weekend, Jen. Thanks for this timely laugh :)!
    Candace recently posted…Letting Friends Break Down Your WallsMy Profile

    1. Author

      I know! Last week as I was holding a little washcloth under a puking child, I thought really Jennifer like this is going to catch it all! It’s just second nature I guess to try and stop the disaster :)

      Best wishes for a lovely Mother’s Day weekend to you too my friend!
      Jen recently posted…Top Ten Tip-Offs You Are A MotherMy Profile

  6. I knew it! Mystery solved. I’ve done the mom voice on adults by accident. Haha. What was the Nic Cage video from? Was that a commercial?!
    Liz recently posted…Zoe vs. Nancy DrewMy Profile

  7. HOLY Batman, YES!!!!! Oh my goodness YES!!!!! You hit it on the head here mate. This is brilliant. I have NEVER taken the kids food shopping, I make out that I detest food shopping and the only way it is going to get done is if I do it alone, and then when I am home said Hubby has to put it away as I WENT!!!! In reality….. It is a mini vacation… Shhhhh.

    I have been known to take long showers and claim I am cleaning the shower. TRUE!!!!

    When I gave up the diaper bag, (I now have 17 and 12 y/o’s) then began the obsession with large tote bags, and LOST car keys!!!

    xoxoxo
    BritishMumUSA recently posted…Other Mothers Would Have TooMy Profile

    1. Author

      Why thank you!

      I do think you are not alone on the long cleaning/showering sessions! Can you believe the depths we hit just to be alone? I am also with you on the food shopping it’s a horrible process with children. Now alone, it is truly like a much needed mini vacation!

      Have to leave now to pick up my son at Cub Scouts, but I can’t find the dang keys in the purse….. It’s a never ending battle I tell ya!
      Jen recently posted…The Secret To Successful BloggingMy Profile

    1. Author

      Thanks Jennifer! Some day I will rid myself of those sugars…. hopefully sooner than later :)

      The gifs are all the mad genius of Jen’s Guy. He finds the most awesome gif’s and saves them for me as I need them.
      Jen recently posted…The Secret To Successful BloggingMy Profile

    1. Author

      You know looking back now, that was probably poor gif placement, huh? It was dark and brown….I will not tell you the story about the time a child pooped on the dining room table during dinner. That would TMI for sure :)
      Jen recently posted…The Secret To Successful BloggingMy Profile

  8. I love #5. Ever since my son was born, a trip a lone to Walgreens was a mini-vacation. To this day, running out to the grocery store alone or catching up on errands at an irregular time always is enjoyable. I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day.
    Caryn recently posted…Non-Toxic Beauty: What’s in My Bag NowMy Profile

Leave a Comment