Man Day Post: Jen’s Guy vs. Cosmo

In Man-dayby Jensguy27 Comments

Welcome to another edition of Man- Day from Jen’s husband, Jensguy!

So, do you know who is having a bad decade?

Magazines.

I’m not sure there has been an industry more destroyed by the internet than the traditional magazine.

Very similar to this, but on a much larger scale:

Tech magazines, dead.  Hobby magazines, mostly dead.  Sports magazines, dying.  The most oxygen they get is with the yearly controversy over their “swimsuit issue.”  I’m not EVEN going to address this year’s controversy.

And yet, there are survivors:

In my opinion, Cosmo is like the undead of print media.  This thing will outlive the internet.

So, for entertainment purposes only, I’m going to put myself in the awkward position of analyzing the contents of Cosmo, to see what makes this thing tick, from a guy’s perspective. I will read it page for page, picking out some of the “highlights” I would like to discuss.

Horoscopes

First I am going to stick my toes in the water with the Horoscopes, namely mine.  Good ole Aquarius. . .

This is another fab week for you, Aquarius! You have been the recipient of lots of good luck for the past few months, thanks to lucky Jupiter in your zone of partnerships, and this week Jupiter is on a roll, bringing you even more love and attention! Share the love Tuesday and round up a group of your nearest and dearest for a fun night out. Avoid getting in the middle of “he said she said” drama Wednesday. Take everything with a grain of salt. Thursday’s full moon in your zone of sex and intimacy ensures this weekend will be extra-spicy between the sheets!

Alright then, but I now admit to being baffled by the ending of my Horoscope and my first introduction to Spirit Emoji.

What in the heck is a Spirit Emoji?

I just read up on Emoji and it cleared up basically nothing.  It seems to be a collection of old ASCII symbols (they way computers used to print things before fancier Word Processing programs took over) that have been infused with spiritual meaning.  I guess you can put them on your website or sketch them on the front of your math notebook before third period for good luck.   Whatever.  You can get your horoscope and Spirit Emoji  HERE.  (Mine was the Drama Masks. . .)

Moving On. . .

10 Reasons Why Men Love Athletic Women:

Ten reasons?  Seriously you are trying to hard Cosmo. Men do not need 10 reasons.

Should You Be Drinking Milk?

Taylor Swift says, “Yes.”  The science is settled (at least according to my 13 year old daughter.)

What’s Sexy for March:

Looks like Gwen Stephani in spike heels is “Sexy for March.”  Seems Legit.

Seriously, the Ads. . . .

If the ads were removed this thing would be a pamphlet at best. . .

Now for some hard hitting journalistic masterpieces.

#1 Daily Habit That Makes you Richer

Spoiler Alert: They want you to pay off your credit cards and open a brokerage account. 

This seems a lot like more than one habit, and I don’t understand the “daily” part of it.  But yeah, if you can pay off your credit cards and open a brokerage account you are probably well past the threshold of needing financial advice from Cosmo.

Miscellaneous Dating Advice

Seriously, guys aren’t difficult.  Let me distill it out for you Cosmo readers:

1.  If he tells you he is into you, or, by all heavens, marries you, he is probably into you, constantly second guessing him probably isn’t profitable.

2.  If he has all of his ex girlfriends on speed dial, it really isn’t “normal,” and you should have concerns.

3.  If he won’t tell you he loves you and doesn’t spend time with you, yeah, he’s probably going to bolt.

4.  If you don’t like the idea of your man spending a lot of time at a bar, it is probably not the best place to pick up your future man.

5.  Yeah, employability isn’t really a high bar to look for when considering a guy.  Unemployment isn’t a deal breaker, but unemployability probably should be.

6.  And finally, if he hasn’t changed in 6 years of dating, marriage and children isn’t likely going to do the trick either.  Sorry. . .

There 80% of the women’s relationship problems answered.

33 Sex Secrets

Yep, I put this whole discussion off until last.  Because, “OH my GOSH!”

 

Remember when I did the write up for 50 Shades of Grey?  The stuff in Cosmo is worse, in both the content AND presentation.  I’ve read men’s magazines (in the dentist’s office because the competition is US Weekly and Highlights) and the “Sex Tips” aren’t even on the same ball field.  So just getting that out of the way.

Should we brush our teeth before becoming intimate in the morning. . .

Why are you asking a magazine this?  Seriously, personal preference!

Also included in this edition are diagrams for “Morning fun”, including “The Over Easy,” “The Spoon Bread,” “Bangers and Mash,” and the French Toast!”

Yep.  I’m out!

Comments

  1. I am totally guilty as charged and used to read Cosmo back in the day, but for so many reasons above, I do very much agree with Jensguy and why I stopped reading years back. Great assessment though and the ads in most, especially women’s magazines are indeed out of control.
    Janine Huldie recently posted…Modern Families – Connection Lost?My Profile

  2. I don’t read any magazines. Cosmo included. I don’t need their advice on anything. I’ve heard guys talking about Cosmo though. They read it to understand women. That’s what I heard back in my working days. I just rolled my eyes.

    Have a fabulous day. ☺
    Comedy Plus recently posted…Awww MondaysMy Profile

    1. Yep, can’t imagine being the guy who thinks he knows about women from reading Cosmo. That could turn into a disaster right quick. I’m giving you the Spirit Emoji of “sunflower.”

    1. Going back and reviewing a VINTAGE copy of Cosmo would have probably have been an even BETTER post. It will take someone stronger than me to do it however. I assign you the Spirit Emoji of “Gold Doubloon.”

    1. Thank you. I don’t often get tweeted. All my rowdy friends live on Facebook. I plan on retiring in peace and quiet someday to Twitter. . . You get the Spirit Emoji of “boxing glove.”

    1. Yeah, it pretty much made “50 Shades of Grey” look PG-13. I do have to admit though the magazine conversion over to the kindle fire reader (how I read the issues) was uber clever and details like that is probably part of why the magazine is still going strong. Their tech is mighty. You get the Spirit Emoji of “smiling otter.”

    1. OK, I NEED to know the story of how someone would gift you a Cosmo subscription. Was it specifically geared to you, or was it kind of a generic “I had to pick a magazine” thing. Awesome! Your Spirit Emoji is Rhonda Rousey.

    1. The milk mustache campaign has been genius. There were so many other pics I could have used that would be just as good. Your Spirit Emoji is a Jersey Cow.

    1. Blushing doesn’t show up to well on a blog post, but yeah, I couldn’t even talk about most of the stuff in there. I assign you the Spirit Emoji of “Happy Frog.”

  3. I think your dating advice should definitely be submitted! It’s perfect. I haven’t read a Cosmo in years but I do remember the crazy amount of ads! This is so true: “If the ads were removed this thing would be a pamphlet at best. . .” Great post :)!
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    1. Yeah, like I said, guys aren’t that difficult to figure out. Still not looking forward to my daughter starting to date, however. I think that we have taught her well and she doesn’t abide stupidity, so she really won’t need Cosmo advice. You get the Spirit Emoji of “rising sun.”

  4. haha.. Cosmo is like Twinkies and cockroaches – may last forever.
    I had a subscription in college and since I was also completing a major in journalism with a focus on magazine writing (well.. I did become a blogger, if nothing else) and I remember one day getting the Cosmo Lightbulb, as I called it.
    It’s when you realize that every issue has the exact same article, but just written differently. It’s all about being better in bed.
    Sounds like Thursday night is steamy!

    Bangers and mash??? I won’t even ask..
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    1. I actually had the “cockroach” line in the post, but Jennifer made me take it out. I have a brutal editor. And yes, Thursday night is looking to be quite steamy. Jennifer is sick so there will probably be Nyquil, Vick’s vaoporub, and a humidifier involved, providing all the steam I’ll end up with. Oh, and “Bangers and Mash” is WORSE than you can imagine. Practically ruined potatoes for me going forward. You get the Spirit Emoji of “Busy Stoplight.”

    1. Your inner self nailed it. But it did have Gwen Stefani, who I like, so there was that. . . I grant you the Spirit Emoji of “Chef hat.”

  5. I picked this mag up years ago, and was amazed at how many pages of adverts!!!! You are so correct 78% adverts, it would be a small pamphlet at best again agreed!!!!

    As for the rest, I am good :) Sorry you had to do this….. It will I’ve on as a great door stop!!!
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  6. This is hilarious. I have to admit, I wasn’t much of a Cosmo reader back in the day. I think I thought that the world would see right through me and think I’m vain if I was seen carting it around in my ESPRIT or Guess school book bag of the 1990s. You should take your misc. dating advice and make it into a printable/poster or something that college girls should hang up in their dorm. Better, yet, maybe for all 20-somethings. I’ve taken many of those girly quizzes and analyzed many situations with my teen friends (several years ago) but your lessons are the tried and true. If he’s not acting like he’s into you, then he’s just not that into you.
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