The “What No One Wants For Valentine’s Day” List

In Man-day, Parenting by Jen53 Comments

Hooray it’s February! The month of groundhogs, Valentines and if you live in Arizona it’s Rodeo time!

I am hoping you are fully aware of this, but we now only have a matter of days in which to purchase a Valentine’s gift for that special someone in our lives. I know many of you read my What No One Wants For Christmas List and against my advice, nay I say pleading, still purchased items on that list.

After a month of contemplation I am sure that you NOW see the error of your ways and are really wanting to make sure you don’t totally botch Valentines Day up. Am I right?

Rest assured, today I am providing you with many of the tools you need to make sure your Valentine stays your Valentine.

This is important so I have invited a few guests to help moderate this discussion.

Moderator #1- Give a BIG welcome to Punxsutawney Phil!






Moderator #2- Now please give a warm welcome to my husband Jensguy! Jensguy recently had a little 16 foot fall from a satellite pole and is chained recuperating in bed….

* Moderators will be contributing to the discussion as they desire.

Now it’s list time!!

First off your Valentine does not need to receive the following gift:

Although the written sentiment on the TP may be true, This is NOT the context that you want to think of someone’s bottom, no matter how cute it is. . .

P.S. If you are actually planning on gifting this to your special someone, drop me an email I can make it for you cheaper with a sharpie.  Seriously, the reaction WON’T be worse!

Jensguy: <grunts>

Jen: apparently I haven’t babied him enough today. . .

Moving on!

Pampering and TLC is something I wholeheartedly recommend for Valentine’s Day, but just don’t buy this.

Long Handled Toenail Clippers!

Hopefully it is completely obvious why this is a bad gift, but if it’s not here’s a little sample conversation of what could happen if you do give this. Jensguy and I will role play it for you.

Jensguy: Honey I have your Valentine’s Day gift!

Jen: Yay! (opens present) You got me toenail clippers?

Jensguy: They are a best seller and I thought the long handle would help save your back, because I care about you baby!

Jen: So you think my toenails are long?

Jensguy: Um no, there were a lot of good reviews and the ergonomic handle looked good online. . .

Jen:  Or perhaps you think that I can no longer reach my toes without 6 inches of assistance. . .

Jensguy:  I, uh. . .

Jen: Please take your pillow and sleep on the couch tonight!

Need we be any clearer? Don’t gift this for Valentine’s Day!

Next Up!

Not having to cook dinner on Valentines is a pretty good idea, well unless it is this:


Do not tell your sweetie that you have dinner all taken care of and bring this bad boy out. We promise it will not go well.

Oh wait, we have special note from Phil here…….

He says if after reading this you have now reconsidered your Valentine’s Day dinner plans and need to hide the evidence, please fell free to send him any and all V-day themed freezer meals. He won’t be offended.  And, if the packaging is correct and this is dinner for one, regularly downing 4 pounds of meatloaf and pink potatoes probably isn’t going to bring you more companionship NEXT Valentine’s Day.

Jensguy:  I thought the traditional women’s Valentine’s “dinner for one” looked more like this:

Jen:  MMMMMMmmmmm, Chunky Monkey.

Next Item on the list!

For the love of all that is good and holy please DO NOT purchase this next item, we mean it!

If just the thought of seeing that special guy in your life in this is not enough to dissuade you from purchasing this then we need to add a little more to this “intervention”.

Reader be warned, this is the first review listed for the item. We kid you not.

“I wore this costume in the bedroom on Valentine’s Day. It was easy to put up to be able to perform the act of love. And it looks good.”

Enough said. Right??

Jensguy:  Bad news, I think our neighbors might be the ones that wrote the review. . .

Jen:  How could you POSSIBLY know that. . .


Jen:  Oh, for the love of. . . Can’t you just read a book or watch Netflix!!!

Really moving on now!

Now for our last item on the what not to buy your honey this V Day list.

Why wouldn’t you want to buy stinky sock and lawn clipping flavored Jelly Belly candies for your special someone? Well perhaps this is one reason why…

Note from Phil: He would again gladly welcome another re-gifted package, Jensguy would not, unless they come in “kippered snack.”

Stay Happy! Stay Informed!



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  1. I can’t believe that anyone would seriously consider either one of those as a Valentine’s Day present! I requested an apple pie with some vanilla ice cream for Valentine’s Day this year and my hubby is all too happy to oblige!
    Ana Lynn recently posted…One Word: FocusMy Profile

  2. This is hilarious, Jen! Why oh why would someone not only buy that costume and wear it into the bedroom, but then feel the need to share details with the world?? Sad. You are so right about the chunky monkey! It is always welcome! I hope your guy heals up soon. A 16 foot drop is crazy!
    Candace recently posted…DIY Side Table MakeoverMy Profile

  3. Scarlet was bean-boozled recently! She didn’t really enjoy it but she was a good sport.
    Umm.. the Ben & Jerry’s looks great. The Hungry Man TV dinner.. is that.. real?? Or Photoshopped? Are there pink mashed potatoes? Might I buy that just for a review on my blog? (yes)

    The toenail clippers are pretty excellent, but not for Valentine’s Day! Agreed!
    Tamara recently posted…The Long and Winding Road.My Profile

    1. Author

      She was a good sport to try it! So the passionate potatoes are intriguing for you? My kids thought we should just make a big old batch of mashed potatoes and dye them pink for Valentines Day. I guess it wouldn’t affect the taste, but it might just make the potatoes look more like Pepto Bismol than potatoes! Not sure I like the idea of that….
      Jen recently posted…The “What No One Wants For Valentine’s Day” ListMy Profile

  4. The TP is hilarious!!! I’d take the ice cream any day even on VDAY! :) Pink potatoes sound like fun!

  5. Another hilarious what not to buy post! I laughed so hard at the review for that costume. I can’t believe someone would actually go back and write that! Oh and your offer to make the t.p. with a Sharpie was pretty funny as I totally pictured you at the dining room table with a Sharpie as I read it.

    I hope Jensguy starts feeling better soon!

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  7. I just finished up a V-day post! The bamboozled jelly beans would totally kill my soul. There’s nothing worse than biting into something expecting a certain taste and then getting something really foul instead. LOL

    However, Ben & Jerry’s is always a win!

    WebMDiva recently posted…You’re Ugly…When You CryMy Profile

  8. Hi Jen, I so want to try those Jelly Beans! I would not have wanted to be the original taste tester on them, though, can you imagine? The toilet roll is particularly cl-assy too, a gift from the heart.

    Debbie recently posted…Sweet Chocolate Heart DessertMy Profile

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