It all started a month ago. Right after all of the back-to-school aisles had been cleared. My 4 year old daughter and I were perusing the aisles of our neighborhood Target when I noticed that the Halloween items had been put out. Fun! Right? I thought a quick stop would be amusing for her. Except I was wrong, because you see, there was this television there that if you pressed a button a person popped out of the TV and screamed at you.
After that unfortunate incident, and after I had to run lioness in hot pursuit of my fleeing 4 year old who could not get out of that place fast enough, I realized there really ought to be a guidebook for parents to survive Halloween. To date, I have lived through 15 Halloweens as a parent, and right after the first, I came to the realization that I wasn’t prepared. I still haven’t achieved total situational awareness, but I have learned a lot. So here you go, sit back and relax, cause I am going to school you on all you need to know…
Kids On Candy Are Jerks
There is no other explanation for what happens to sweet little Susan after she has snarfed down 3 chocolate bars, a bag of Tootsie Rolls and a pack of Starbursts. It is like the candy takes over their body and brain. Children on candy become something on the scale between real life zombies and a racoon on crack.
This is why we as parents really need to take a portion of the candy away from them. Don’t feel guilty about eating that Hershey’s bar. Instead remember that not only is it in your child’s best interest, but eating that bar provides a needed reward as we corral our sugar addled rampaging zombies. Gotta love em!
If You Have A Child Under 5 Years Old Don’t Leave Your House.
Seriously, that quick little jaunt to your local grocery store could have one of those animatronic witches that cackles when you walk by. I will spare you the gory details of what happened when one of my potty training toddlers walked by something like that, but now during Halloween when I hear, “Clean up on aisle 5” I wonder if some poor parent is having that same kind of experience. Who needs to grocery shop anyways???
Don’t Stock Up On Candy Early
This one is important. You know no matter where you hide it, you will still know it is there, and as parents there are about a million times a day where we could use a little sugar induced pick-me-up. But we all know one is never enough, and so yeah I would suggest you just don’t do it. You will be buying a new bag of candy the day before Halloween either way.
If You Have Young Children Avoid Live TV The WHOLE Month of October
You may think you are just harmlessly searching for something good to watch when all of a sudden a Vampire pops up on the screen! And BAM, your child will no longer sleep in their bed alone EVER again. Not that I am speaking from experience or anything…..
Get Ready For The Questions
I personally loved the Halloween when our 60 year old neighbor came over to our house dressed as a naughty police officer, and you guessed it, her husband was the jailbird. I thought my children might die. I actually thought I might die, but hey, we had some good conversations about that whole thing. I also invested in a few good pairs of blindfolds the next year….
Lastly, I don’t know how to prepare you for this one, but parents just be ready.