Hooray it’s February! The month of groundhogs, Valentines and if you live in Arizona it’s Rodeo time!
I am hoping you are fully aware of this, but we now only have a matter of days in which to purchase a Valentine’s gift for that special someone in our lives. I know many of you read my What No One Wants For Christmas List and against my advice, nay I say pleading, still purchased items on that list.
After a month of contemplation I am sure that you NOW see the error of your ways and are really wanting to make sure you don’t totally botch Valentines Day up. Am I right?
Rest assured, today I am providing you with many of the tools you need to make sure your Valentine stays your Valentine.
This is important so I have invited a few guests to help moderate this discussion.
Moderator #1- Give a BIG welcome to Punxsutawney Phil!
Moderator #2- Now please give a warm welcome to my husband Jensguy! Jensguy recently had a little 16 foot fall from a satellite pole and is
chained recuperating in bed….
* Moderators will be contributing to the discussion as they desire.
Now it’s list time!!
First off your Valentine does not need to receive the following gift:
Although the written sentiment on the TP may be true, This is NOT the context that you want to think of someone’s bottom, no matter how cute it is. . .
P.S. If you are actually planning on gifting this to your special someone, drop me an email I can make it for you cheaper with a sharpie. Seriously, the reaction WON’T be worse!
Jen: apparently I haven’t babied him enough today. . .
Pampering and TLC is something I wholeheartedly recommend for Valentine’s Day, but just don’t buy this.
Long Handled Toenail Clippers!
Hopefully it is completely obvious why this is a bad gift, but if it’s not here’s a little sample conversation of what could happen if you do give this. Jensguy and I will role play it for you.
Jensguy: Honey I have your Valentine’s Day gift!
Jen: Yay! (opens present) You got me toenail clippers?
Jensguy: They are a best seller and I thought the long handle would help save your back, because I care about you baby!
Jen: So you think my toenails are long?
Jensguy: Um no, there were a lot of good reviews and the ergonomic handle looked good online. . .
Jen: Or perhaps you think that I can no longer reach my toes without 6 inches of assistance. . .
Jensguy: I, uh. . .
Jen: Please take your pillow and sleep on the couch tonight!
Need we be any clearer? Don’t gift this for Valentine’s Day!
Not having to cook dinner on Valentines is a pretty good idea, well unless it is this:
Do not tell your sweetie that you have dinner all taken care of and bring this bad boy out. We promise it will not go well.
Oh wait, we have special note from Phil here…….
He says if after reading this you have now reconsidered your Valentine’s Day dinner plans and need to hide the evidence, please fell free to send him any and all V-day themed freezer meals. He won’t be offended. And, if the packaging is correct and this is dinner for one, regularly downing 4 pounds of meatloaf and pink potatoes probably isn’t going to bring you more companionship NEXT Valentine’s Day.
Jensguy: I thought the traditional women’s Valentine’s “dinner for one” looked more like this:
Jen: MMMMMMmmmmm, Chunky Monkey.
Next Item on the list!
For the love of all that is good and holy please DO NOT purchase this next item, we mean it!
If just the thought of seeing that special guy in your life in this is not enough to dissuade you from purchasing this then we need to add a little more to this “intervention”.
Reader be warned, this is the first review listed for the item. We kid you not.
“I wore this costume in the bedroom on Valentine’s Day. It was easy to put up to be able to perform the act of love. And it looks good.”
Enough said. Right??
Jensguy: Bad news, I think our neighbors might be the ones that wrote the review. . .
Jen: How could you POSSIBLY know that. . .
Jen: Oh, for the love of. . . Can’t you just read a book or watch Netflix!!!
Really moving on now!
Now for our last item on the what not to buy your honey this V Day list.
Why wouldn’t you want to buy stinky sock and lawn clipping flavored Jelly Belly candies for your special someone? Well perhaps this is one reason why…
Note from Phil: He would again gladly welcome another re-gifted package, Jensguy would not, unless they come in “kippered snack.”
Stay Happy! Stay Informed!